Is it true? Are we, am I, more afraid of what I think about myself than what other people do? Am I giving the moste severe critique to myself?
I was talking to Valentina today about the fact that me being so afraid that other people dont like me, or dont accept me the way I am, has most profundly todo with the fact that I am not able to love me the way I am. I always would like to do more, be different, say different things. And isnt being more about just being? And accepting. This is me. fullstop.
Why does it seems so difficult to just be honest with yourself? Are you able to see who you are, or what you are?
Or am I just melancholic because Michl reproched me on only coming to Graz when I have a guilty consciousness?
Freitag, 21. September 2007
Donnerstag, 20. September 2007
TO DO list
- get order in your room AND your head
- cut out all the great pictures from magazines and put them in a box (no exboyfriends to put in boxes available at the moment)
- paint (a tree for a change)
- sing a song (and try to hit the pitches in order to still have lovely neighbours)
- knit a scarf ( well, no breakup at the moment, but winter is coming soon)
- throw away some old stuff - just for the sake of throwing away something as a methaphora for a new episode in life
- try to find exams you can do in the beginning of october. At least 2 (so to not forget you are a student after all)
- listen to your favourite music over and over again - until you get sick of it, but thats probably not tomorrow
- flip to the right page of your calendar ( it is not June anymore)
- water your plant - it s not her fault you are never there
- buy a lightball for the kitchen - it s more fun to cook if you can see what you are doing
- sleep, dream, sleep some more, and lie in your bed till you cant anymore
- cut out all the great pictures from magazines and put them in a box (no exboyfriends to put in boxes available at the moment)
- paint (a tree for a change)
- sing a song (and try to hit the pitches in order to still have lovely neighbours)
- knit a scarf ( well, no breakup at the moment, but winter is coming soon)
- throw away some old stuff - just for the sake of throwing away something as a methaphora for a new episode in life
- try to find exams you can do in the beginning of october. At least 2 (so to not forget you are a student after all)
- listen to your favourite music over and over again - until you get sick of it, but thats probably not tomorrow
- flip to the right page of your calendar ( it is not June anymore)
- water your plant - it s not her fault you are never there
- buy a lightball for the kitchen - it s more fun to cook if you can see what you are doing
- sleep, dream, sleep some more, and lie in your bed till you cant anymore
Confused
Soul arrived - I arrived. But somehow it is still a world inbetween. My world. Which is not yet connected to anybody elses.
Scrapping wallpaper off the walls, closing holes in the wall and all these other things I dont yet know the English words for. Renovating. Working with my hands. Not thinking. Not reflecting.
This will all start soon enough again.
This summer is definetly better than last summer. I am still alive.
And a lot of new plans, new ideas. Things I would like to be different. Things I would like to improve. Stay focused.
There is so much going on inside me. I dont even know where to start. What to do first. It seems like there is nothing. I am aware, at least most of the time, that I cant just start changing all these things I would like to be different.
Ah, I think there is the point. Not changing. Accepting. Of course than again, there is a thin line between accept the things you cant change, and have the courage to change those things you can change.
Already my sentence for the Rueckenwind Project.
I have the feeling I am not able to be with someone else at the moment. I am not able to receive or digest any new informations. I feel numb. But alive. And actually quite motivated and happy.
Who knows. I dont. I will just keep that feeling. I dont know.
Scrapping wallpaper off the walls, closing holes in the wall and all these other things I dont yet know the English words for. Renovating. Working with my hands. Not thinking. Not reflecting.
This will all start soon enough again.
This summer is definetly better than last summer. I am still alive.
And a lot of new plans, new ideas. Things I would like to be different. Things I would like to improve. Stay focused.
There is so much going on inside me. I dont even know where to start. What to do first. It seems like there is nothing. I am aware, at least most of the time, that I cant just start changing all these things I would like to be different.
Ah, I think there is the point. Not changing. Accepting. Of course than again, there is a thin line between accept the things you cant change, and have the courage to change those things you can change.
Already my sentence for the Rueckenwind Project.
I have the feeling I am not able to be with someone else at the moment. I am not able to receive or digest any new informations. I feel numb. But alive. And actually quite motivated and happy.
Who knows. I dont. I will just keep that feeling. I dont know.
Sonntag, 16. September 2007
Waiting for my soul
Coming home after the last wrok meeting at the airport with my training team. Liga and Naomi - 22 years old only. Actually trying to come home, cause I didnt have my key and my flatmates werent home. So I left my stuff at the Croatian Restaurant (thank god the creapy owner "when do we go for a coffee together" wasnt there) and went off to meet Ben and Steven one last time.
Some more hugging, some more discussions and the training for trainers is over.
I was quite thankful that I was able to walk around Vienna again. Cause in these two last months I didnt really have the time to just strole around my city a bit.
And then in the end coming home felt so good. Safe. And relaxing. But in the same time, now the evening starts it also feels a bit lonley. Where are all the smiling faces, I got so used to in the last 10 days. It is strange how much a group process actually effects you in your way of seeing the world and yourself.
So I am back again in Vienna, with a lot of new ideas in my head and even more questions I may never find an answer to. To use Rodrigos words: It s a process. Well, congratulations on that one.
I am tired and still waiting for my soul to arrive from Reichenau. I understand it is a bit hard, as it has to cross over mountains.
Some important questions to answer today:
- Does it make you afraid to not know?
- Are you willing to get take the risk of getting hurt again?
- Is freetime fun?
- Will my manual ever be finished?
Some more hugging, some more discussions and the training for trainers is over.
I was quite thankful that I was able to walk around Vienna again. Cause in these two last months I didnt really have the time to just strole around my city a bit.
And then in the end coming home felt so good. Safe. And relaxing. But in the same time, now the evening starts it also feels a bit lonley. Where are all the smiling faces, I got so used to in the last 10 days. It is strange how much a group process actually effects you in your way of seeing the world and yourself.
So I am back again in Vienna, with a lot of new ideas in my head and even more questions I may never find an answer to. To use Rodrigos words: It s a process. Well, congratulations on that one.
I am tired and still waiting for my soul to arrive from Reichenau. I understand it is a bit hard, as it has to cross over mountains.
Some important questions to answer today:
- Does it make you afraid to not know?
- Are you willing to get take the risk of getting hurt again?
- Is freetime fun?
- Will my manual ever be finished?
Dienstag, 11. September 2007
BLANK
In order to develop it is also important to reflect upon yourself and find out, why things work and why not. What are my strong points, what are my weak points. Also, who am I as a trainer. It is true that I have experience, but I am also realising that I could have more experience. And I have been doing so many things, just doing and doing and doing and not thinking ahead, or one step further. It seems so weird for me that I am always reflecting about myself, but never taking time to reflect about me and my work. When Paul said that my mind went blank, completly blank and it still is. It seemed to me like I just skipped a step on the stairs I am walking on. Now I am in front of the big question. How to reflect? What to do?
Sonntag, 9. September 2007
I dont know
Me, you and everyone I know, the only thing that I can say is that I dont know anymore. What is training, what is a trainer, what is the environment, is it in it or outside or where is it...
I just dont know anything. Someone said I should just enjoy and ride on this wave and well, sometimes not too easy. Especially expecting myself to know always everything.
Well, very complex and abstract discussions we are having here. I can see that. Get back to reality is what I want to say to myself. Or maybe enjoy a little bit the walk on the surrealistic clouds...
I just dont know anything. Someone said I should just enjoy and ride on this wave and well, sometimes not too easy. Especially expecting myself to know always everything.
Well, very complex and abstract discussions we are having here. I can see that. Get back to reality is what I want to say to myself. Or maybe enjoy a little bit the walk on the surrealistic clouds...
Freitag, 7. September 2007
Gone
I am leaving again, to this important seminar. Important for me.
Sometimes I have to stop to try to please everyone. Especially in these situations where you have the feeling you are completly stuck, I have to first get myself out and not everyone around me.
Wish me luck!
Sometimes I have to stop to try to please everyone. Especially in these situations where you have the feeling you are completly stuck, I have to first get myself out and not everyone around me.
Wish me luck!
Donnerstag, 6. September 2007
I came back to leave again
Torn apart, torn inside. I just came back from Rueckewind. You remeber, my huge project in Cornwall, England. I left for work and I came back and the summer is gone. And now I am sittin at home in Vienna, for two days, listening to Bob Dylan.
I love my job, my work with young people, and I love to travel as well. But sometimes I just want to sit down for a moment. And watch the time. I dont actually believe that I would be able to sit down for a long time, cause I dont like to be bored either. But there must be a possibility to have both. A balance.
England was amazing. First of all, I learnt something very important. Also written on the first page of the hitchhikers guide through the galaxy (which I still havent read, sorry Jeff):
DONT PANIC!
First time I heard it I went nuts... Of course I am panicking... Who are you to tell me not to panic? But then I realised that sometimes you have to step back a little bit from your current situation and try to look at it from outside, in a more or less objective way (if this is ever possible) and to see the situation in the content. This prevents you from shortsighted reactions and actions.
I came home to leave again. It feels strange to know there is no sense in unpacking. Cause you are leaving in two days again.
I am going to Reichenau, Austria, for the Training of Trainers. And I am really excited and afraid and nervous and tired. Finally also something, where I will get input, and not only give input. I feel I need it. But inbetween I should finish my handbook. And I dont know when or how. Time seems to have its own head. It passes so slow and so quick at the same moment.
For now I will stop this blog, as I am realising this all sounds quite depressing. And I will listen to some more Lay Lady Lay....
I love my job, my work with young people, and I love to travel as well. But sometimes I just want to sit down for a moment. And watch the time. I dont actually believe that I would be able to sit down for a long time, cause I dont like to be bored either. But there must be a possibility to have both. A balance.
England was amazing. First of all, I learnt something very important. Also written on the first page of the hitchhikers guide through the galaxy (which I still havent read, sorry Jeff):
DONT PANIC!
First time I heard it I went nuts... Of course I am panicking... Who are you to tell me not to panic? But then I realised that sometimes you have to step back a little bit from your current situation and try to look at it from outside, in a more or less objective way (if this is ever possible) and to see the situation in the content. This prevents you from shortsighted reactions and actions.
I came home to leave again. It feels strange to know there is no sense in unpacking. Cause you are leaving in two days again.
I am going to Reichenau, Austria, for the Training of Trainers. And I am really excited and afraid and nervous and tired. Finally also something, where I will get input, and not only give input. I feel I need it. But inbetween I should finish my handbook. And I dont know when or how. Time seems to have its own head. It passes so slow and so quick at the same moment.
For now I will stop this blog, as I am realising this all sounds quite depressing. And I will listen to some more Lay Lady Lay....
To me, to you. and everyone I know
I am often away. I am travelling a lot. This is why Idecided to open a blog. For me and for my friends. Full of random information, hopefully pictures (if I somehow find out how this works) and full of Anna Blume.
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