poland

decisions. fun. courage. spontanious. letting go. not letting go. infection. again. shit. angry. wrong and right and wrong and right and wrong and right. fixed pictures and expectations. lots of trouble. in myself. no ease. I want it easy. Please.
what it is no one knows.

note to myself

is there a correlation between getting drunk and posting on that blog.

princess

memememeemme. again. its all about me.
life is getting better every day. the semester is over. a whole month of no worries about university. many new to do lists to write. many fun things to do.
- dress up as a princess and hand out eatable frogs to everyone on the streets.
- knit a sock (will be hard enough, we ll see if i manage a second one)
- think about life long learning, self directed learning, individual learning process and many more things that sound already complicated and somehow are or not and well... all very confusing

anna blume. my nickname. my name. part of my reality. it is strange, something that has been sort of a base of my identity doesnt seem to be that important anymore. i mean, i am not running around screaming my name anymore. somehow that time is over. probably also cause i have been throwing away all the unnecessary things i seem to keep collecting. like 7pairs of jeans which make me look awful. 4 pairs of shoes which hurt my feet. tshirts which were never cool, not even in the 80s.

so, it s a new day. a new life. and i started it with getting amazingly drunk last night and looking for my golden prince today. soon i traded the golden prince for an aspirin, cause that was more what i really needed.

i am living a fairytail. am i?

surreal.very surreal

what do i want? what do i need? i dont know!

Sweden was great, sitting in the car, stopping at a red light, jumping out, running around the car till it turns green, then jump in again.
important unnecessary information about sweden. prata med mig.

walking home, asking some guy to take me with him on the bike. bringing him home. drinking wine. snogging. how many times do you get driven home at four o clock at night from a complete stranger.

long talk with F., a lot of competition going on. good to adress the problematic points.

not so much longer till christmas. doesnt feel like it.

am i too proud. maybe. too much showing my life. and what i have achieved. probably cause i am not sure about it really. am i, should i be proud? it all just came to me, sort of.

not sure, looking for direction. shows also on the amount of times i got drunk the last few weeks.

NOT SURE

but then again, many things to work out.

life wrote me a post it. "Get busy taking time for yourself"

bläh.bläh.bläh

ok, i am over the phase, where i feel sorry for myself, cause i was very drunk some nights ago.
next step.
where did all this conflict come from? inside and outside and inbetween and everywhere. Where did all the harmony go? Never would have said about myself that I need harmony, but apparently I do. And I am also not very good at managing conflicts at the moment. They sort of come over me, and I am more an passive object just flowing on the sublte emotions. And I am not very keen on that.
But, I have to admit. Wonderful sunday.

-walking aroun with eva, who wore a yellow hat, I wore a blue one
- going to an exhebition about angels in vienna
- visiting Zentralfriedhof (which I wanted to do ever since I moved here)
- eating typical Austrian food
- pretending to be a family with children and doing exactly the things I would do, if I was in that situation
- not questioning my future for once

so, not so bad all together. I just dont know where this strange unsatisfied notion inside myself comes from. Very strange.
But okay. new week. new chance. changes.
at least i am over the fact that in a situation like this i would cut my hair. am I?
BLÄH, LIFE THIS IS FOR YOU, BLÄH.

you.me.and everyone else i kissed

drunk night out. having fun with friends. playing a drinking game. drinking too much. driving around vienna with taxi. spending a lot of money. first snow and first time high heels on. kissed one of my oldest friends. felt quite nice. can hardly remeber it. would like to talk about it. didnt manage to. still sort of blurry and drunk. need to sleep. too lazy to go to bed. too confused about the same story repeating itself over and over again. andi was right. do i really need to bring graz to vienna. these are things i normally dont do in vienna. cause i dont go out here.
very happy about my new working board. YEAH, more to do lists.
university started. at least the text production field. not really motivated yet. but hopefully soon will be.
found out, there is a really nice girl which is also named anna blume. dont really like that.
my appartment is still very white and clean. maybe should add some colour.
not sure what i am writing here.

i dont think there are many of my friends i havent kissed yet.
t.b.s.m.a.j...... congratulations.

Is it true? Are we, am I, more afraid of what I think about myself than what other people do? Am I giving the moste severe critique to myself?
I was talking to Valentina today about the fact that me being so afraid that other people dont like me, or dont accept me the way I am, has most profundly todo with the fact that I am not able to love me the way I am. I always would like to do more, be different, say different things. And isnt being more about just being? And accepting. This is me. fullstop.
Why does it seems so difficult to just be honest with yourself? Are you able to see who you are, or what you are?
Or am I just melancholic because Michl reproched me on only coming to Graz when I have a guilty consciousness?